Happy New Year and other thoughts.....

Its officially TwentyTen.

I'm less excited about the new year and more excited about 2009 being over. 2009 just did not work in my favor. A relationship ended on a severely ugly note. I had mono, tonsillitis, and an abscess on my throat all within the same week... ruining my spring break. I didn't get to go to South Africa cuz of my bullshiest department. This guy... that was the physical essence of the ""man-of-my-dreams" made himself known and then disappeared into the sunset effectively showing me that he was absolutely NOT interested in me not only as a love interest, not only as a friend, but as a human being. I felt so disrespected. (still do). My summer... my last summer as a student was a bust. the fun quotient heightened itself at a 12 out of 100. in ending months... finding out about the relationships some of my very close friends were in became less informative and resulted in me having to take action (this blog is to public to put the details here).

HOWEVER....

some, i repeat some, good things happened this year too....

I had the opportunity to go on an all expense paid trip to Tobago for my j-o-b. Toooo fricking awesome. A LOT of work, but worth it. It also has sealed my plan to travel outside the country at least once every year. (bring on Amsterdam 2010!)

I went out on dates. Yea, it didn't happen until December (but he doesnt know, well now he will, that those were the first real dates I've been on in... FOREVER... thank you)

THE BEACH..... the beach made my life. the minute it gets warm, I'm right back there. sun, ocean, sand.... they give me life... they breathe living directly into my soul...

i got skinny.

and got fat again.

also... i think i am gaining a better perspective on what it means to be a friend... what friendship really is and what i want from my friends... i think thats fair....and important

2009 taught me that I am growing.... i always assumed i was a work in progress...but this year showed me a little bit of my progress... a little bit of my self worth

i think i've been devaluing myself as an individual... hopefully in 2010 I will be able to realize my full potential

OH.... in 2009, I read so much. It was wonderful....

What do I want from the world around me in 2010? (i'll get to me in a second)

I want honesty. Full and complete honesty.

I want unapologetic love. There's no reason to hide or be ashamed of love. and I don't mean this in a strictly romantic love type of way.... you know the english language is full of limits and boundaries and restrictions when it comes to love.... but there are all kinds of meanings and definitions... and YOU know when its LOVE. just admit it. CLAIM IT. relish in it. get lost all through it.

I want peace. I don't like to argue. I don't like to be confrontational. Despite what you hear, I like things to be relatively calm. Inside and outside. I want everyday's math end in someone's PEACE!

I want clarity. (don't we all?)... but selfishly I want others to have clarity to provide some insight for me.... that's all...

FOR MYSELF?

a job. a love. a home. a hug. a kiss. a joy. a dream. a hope. a vacation. a savings. a smile.

that's it. I'm keeping it simple this year. too much clouding myself up with nonsense and ignoring the basics have proven troublesome for me in the past. u know how it goes...insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

2009 Shoutout List

my mom - i love her. *muah**

gracieJ - the strongest support i've ever had.

anoa - you are the awesomest. i'm in complete awe of you with every decision you make. I cant wait to be interviewed by your biographer and speak on the wonderfulness that is you. or we can write it together like kwame ture and ekweume thelwell

johnG - you're hilarious. my own private delaware favorite.

femi - you are an amazing woman. i hope that my children will be able to spend time with you and your beautiful spirit. i mean that from the bottom of my heart.

malia & candice - foolios 1&2... thanks for being the friends I needed in the place that i hate. *cheers*

the original ap - i dont know if i can handle you being in seattle after graduation.... but as long as there is a GRILL (and BAR-S HOT LINKS) there is a way!!!

jspulley - for introducing me to my future husband KJ

courtney - thank you sister. thank you.

caura - for being my miltown connection and always ready for a conversation when i need to have one.... can't wait to be auntie (wink wink)

tristan - for being a happy ending (no pun intended) for 2009. thank you.

all my twitter fam.... those that actually make twitter worthwhile from Milwaukee to my fellow BISON to the rest of my east coast fam.... twitter is a lovely outlet to be a part of...

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/mobettabluez

FACT SHEET HIV/AIDS POLICY -- its OUR problem!

Black Americans have been disproportionately affected by HIV/AIDS since the epidemic’s beginning, and that disparity has deepened over time.1,2 Blacks account for more new HIV infections, AIDS cases, people estimated to be living with HIV disease, and HIV-related deaths than any other racial/ethnic group in the U.S.The epidemic has also had a disproportionate impact on Black women, youth, and gay and bisexual men, and its impact varies across the country. Moreover, Blacks with HIV/AIDS may face greater barriers to accessing care than their white counterparts. Today, there are approximately 1.1 million people living with HIV/AIDS in the U.S, including more than 500,000 who are Black.5 Analysis of national household survey data found that 2% of Blacks in the U.S. were HIV positive, higher than any other group.

Women and Young People
• Black women account for the largest share of new HIV infections among women (61% in 2006) and the incidence rate among Black women is nearly 15 times the rate among white women.16
• Black women account for the majority of new AIDS cases among women (66% in 2007); white and Latina women account for 17% and 15% of new AIDS cases, respectively.1,13
• Black women represent more than a third (36%) of AIDS cases diagnosed among Blacks (Black men and women combined) in 2007; by comparison, white women represent 15% of AIDS cases diagnosed among whites in 2007.1,13
• Although Black teens (ages 13–19) represent only 15% of U.S. teenagers, they account for 68% of new AIDS cases reported among teens in 2007.17 A similar impact can be seen among Black children.

FOR MORE INFO: http://www.kff.org/hivaids/upload/6089-07.pdf

ACADEMIC: Confronting the Deep Change or Slow Death Dilemma

*disclaimer*
This is about an article I had to read for class. It's late, I've been at work all day, I am sure this entry lacks the coherence needed to fully establish my point, but as long as I draft it, I can perfect it in a paper later on down the line. If you're still reading after I said all that, bless your heart!"

Every once in awhile these management classes bless me with a little jewel of wisdom that allow me to appreciate ever so humbly the opportunities this education is going to afford me, and more importantly to appreciate my training to be a leader in my community.

For my Organization and Management class we were assigned selected chapters from Deep Change: Discovering the Leader Within by Robert E. Quinn. When the professor first mentioned the title of the book, I assumed that this would be another one of "those" readings. The readings that are full of anecdotal stories of positive change in organizations and North America and Europe that I won't be able to relate to unless I become a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. However, I was quite surprised when this chapter breathed pure life into my soul and inspired me to write (yet again this week).

The title of the chapter is Confronting the Deep Change or Slow Death Dilemma. As many may have ascertained (if you read this blog at all), I internalize just about everything that I watch and read. Every movie I've seen either parallels my spiritual, philosophical, or emotional viewpoints. So of course, if I begin to the same with a textbook either I am really making an active attempt to get something qualitative out of this degree or my mind is just so fragmented and ill-focused that there are somethings I just can't help but think about.

Whatever. I'll think about what I wanna think about when I wanna think about it. *kanye mug face*

Alhough the author is discussing organizational change as it relates to the individual and the workplace, I instantly began to draw correlations between the author's words to the struggle and journey of the black community in the United States. Seems like a bit of stretch I'm sure, but bear with me and see if you get where I'm going with this.

In the previous chapter the author determines that there comes a time in all life cycles in which change needs to occur. Incremental changes are reactionary responses to rational analysis and careful planning. They are often piecemeal and reversible if necessary. Deep changes are those that change structure, philosophy, thought, and outlook. They are not reversible. Deep change does not come from careful planning; it involves taking risks.
Quinn says, "Excellence, however, never lies within the boxes drawn in the past.... To bring deep change, people have to "suffer" the risks (take a stand against the status quo). And to bring about deep change in other, people have to reinvent (redefine) themselves."

Y'all beginning to feel me?

Personal relationships, internal struggles, Fortune 500 companies, community nonprofits all face point in which change is inevitable. The argument of the author is that there are really only two responses when one is confronted with change:
1. Deep Change
OR
2. Slow Death

The author discovers many times that slow death is the chosen option by many individuals (in the community). People recognize that a deep change is needed in the community and they opt to do nothing. People seek comfort in discover short-term personal survival over the understanding and ACCEPTANCE of long-term collective responsibility. (Now, I know y'all understand what I was talking about. Collective responsibility? UJIMA!!!)

The author then shares the boiled-frog experiment a methaphor for complacency v. action-oriented reactions to change. (If a frog is taken from cold water to boiling water it immediately jumps out, if its placed in a container of water that is gradually heated, eventually the water boils and the frog is dead.) <<<---- that's what slow death is. Complacency in the status quo. Acceptance of fate, claiming yourself as a victim with no alternative, incapable of seeing outside of the current contraints, unable to assume the responsibility of the collective... self-prescribed suicide.

The chapter describes in detail symptoms of slow death and explores the hypocrisy in those who instead of remaining complacent, actively disengage entirely by creating an exit strategy for themselves. The author names a number of reasons why the exit strategy is just another method for the same slow death.

So my takeaway from this weeks reading assignment:
To evolve as a people we cannot let self-interest triumph collective responsibility! No matter what has been done before! A call to action for deep change needs to be embedded in all aspects of community relation so we can forever eradicate the disease of slow death.

I'm sure my __________________ professor isn't expecting me to share something like this in class.

I doubt I will.

*Spoiler Alert* PUSH --- A Novel by Sapphire

Admittedly, I have been devoting very little time to personal reading because of the wealth of homework under my belt, but today I was so THROUGH with school and classwork that I read Sapphire's PUSH from cover to cover in less than five hours. The main reason I even ordered the book during my months book-sprees on Amazon is that I love to read the book before seeing the movie and all these "rabble-rousers" on twitter KEPT tweeting about the movie so I needed to get the background story so I, too, could sing America.

I wasn't wowed by the book. The story is intriguing of course, but the writing didn't capture me. I don't know what I was expecting... but I felt as if the story fell flat... as if it were unfinished, and not in the intentional thought-provking manner that authors sometimes intend, but in a way that makes you wonder if the author just quit. *kanye shrug*

In summary: PUSH is written by its main character Claireece Precious Jones. The book is compilation of her thoughts, journals, and experiences over the last eighteen years of her life. Her life circumstances are deplorable beyond imagination. At the age of 16, she is in the 8th grade reading at a 2nd grade level. Her mother physically, sexually, and verbally abuses her. Her birth father molests her from age three until age sixteen and impregnates her twice, once at age 12 and again at age 16. After finally making the strides to take control of her life and assume an identity that she never had the opportunity to properly develop or explore her mother alerts her that her father died from HIV. Precious gets tested and finds out she is HIV positive as well. Precious is an eighteen year old HIV positive mother with an eighth grade education.

There are interesting concepts highlighted in the book. Minister Louis Farrakhan is an idol of her, representing the true essence of what a man should be. She is heavily influenced by the Minister's speeches and the beliefs of the Nation of Islam.

Precious equates her dark complexion as another thing she has fallen victim to. She describes to her teacher that in a perfect world she would be light-skinned so that people would love her. During her reflection on being invisible to all those she interacted with she mentions that she wishes that people saw as a little white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. The commentary on colorism continues as Precious develops relationships with other women in her class. She identifies personality traits with skin complexion and constantly reflects on her own dark skin.

The book definitely allows the reader to see Precious' character develop throughout the story. The most explicit examples are the sample writings from her journal. Her vocabulary, sentence structure, and language usage improves throughout the story. Her character also develops mentally. She redefines her ties to the teachings of Minister Farrakhan after finding out that her beloved teacher is a homosexual. She reevaluates her self-worth after gaining friends and mentors who are looking out for her. Precious grows throughout the entire story.

My favorite part of the entire book is when it comes time for the student's in Precious' class to recite a poem from memory to the front of the class. I almost jumped out my bed when I turned the page and realized she was going to recite "Mother to Son" by Langston Hughes. I can remember my mother quoting lines from that poem throughout my entire childhood and as you read the story you understand why that was the most appropriate choice.

I can now in good conscious see Tyler Perry's Precious.