When I think of home...

I love my family.

Over the last few years, as I have come to grips with the notion that I am in fact a woman. A woman responsible for bearing the responsibility of fostering and nurturing human life. A woman responsible for creating a home. A woman responsible for the growth and development of (many) children.

I can not shirk it.

Sooner or later, my rockstar lifestyle inclusive of raunchy rhythm and blues and one-night stands with books, will have to end. Maybe not completely... but my priorities will shift from my own personal (and somewhat guilty) pleasures to the well-being of my family: my husband and my (the) kids.

But what does that actually mean for me?

I'm young and by no means (trapped) in a relationship that is forcing me to seriously consider these things, but it is something that I think about.

Where do I wanna call home?

It is no secret that I dropped Milwaukee like a dirty roach infested rag when I graduated in high school and I've been making sweet melodious love to the east coast ever since.

BUT...
my family is in milwaukee.

When I say family... I mean MY FAMILY is there: mom, dad(s), brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmomma, grandma grace and host of other people that watched (lovingly) me grow up. AND...I'm always the first one to trump the family card. "YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOUR FAMILY. WHAT U GON DO WITHOUT YOUR FAMILY? HOW U GON TREAT YOUR FAMILY LIKE THAT?" So I understand the necessity of surrounding yourself with your family. Living amongst them, depending on them, supporting them and being a PART of the family unity.

I hate Milwaukee.

Hate is a strong word, but I deem it absolutely necessary. I cannot see myself living there without being miserable. I'm not saying anywhere on the east coast is where I'm gonna be but I just can not go to Milwaukee.

but why Mo? WHYYYYY?

First, I'm going to say that my undergradate experience (HU! YOU KNOW!!!) created a monster with me. A monster that needs constant nourishment of fresh oceanic seafood, exposure to peoples and cultures all over the world, emancipated minds, and liberated souls. Second, I've created a familial unit out here. I've got brothers and sisters out here who I need my kids to learn from. I need them and I like to think they need (or at least want me around) as well. Lastly, I'm naturally nomadic. I love to move and experience new places and I'M NOT DONE YET...

but where does that put me?

I've got two families that are very very important for me. I need them both to survive. I need them both to care for me. I need to have consistent access to them no matter the circumstance. I will always live up to my responsibilities no matter what. If mom dukes makes the call and says I need to come home... I'll be there in the quickness.

i am growing up (despite my efforts to remain a youngin forever) and there has to be a real consideration of how i PHYSICALLY place myself in relation to my family (all aspects). It becomes extremely pertinent when I think about doing Ph.D. work. That is a serious time commitment a serious commitment to a space and nurturing myself within that space.

space.


My response to how I handle this situation, how I effectively juxtapose myself between my desires and my responsibilities...will be a test of my GANGSTA...you know what other folks refer to as CHARACTER.

To sum the situation up: "Character is the courage to meet the demands of reality."


just some thoughts... i know i haven't blogged lately. #blackhistorymonth scholarly writing fail.

Happy New Year and other thoughts.....

Its officially TwentyTen.

I'm less excited about the new year and more excited about 2009 being over. 2009 just did not work in my favor. A relationship ended on a severely ugly note. I had mono, tonsillitis, and an abscess on my throat all within the same week... ruining my spring break. I didn't get to go to South Africa cuz of my bullshiest department. This guy... that was the physical essence of the ""man-of-my-dreams" made himself known and then disappeared into the sunset effectively showing me that he was absolutely NOT interested in me not only as a love interest, not only as a friend, but as a human being. I felt so disrespected. (still do). My summer... my last summer as a student was a bust. the fun quotient heightened itself at a 12 out of 100. in ending months... finding out about the relationships some of my very close friends were in became less informative and resulted in me having to take action (this blog is to public to put the details here).

HOWEVER....

some, i repeat some, good things happened this year too....

I had the opportunity to go on an all expense paid trip to Tobago for my j-o-b. Toooo fricking awesome. A LOT of work, but worth it. It also has sealed my plan to travel outside the country at least once every year. (bring on Amsterdam 2010!)

I went out on dates. Yea, it didn't happen until December (but he doesnt know, well now he will, that those were the first real dates I've been on in... FOREVER... thank you)

THE BEACH..... the beach made my life. the minute it gets warm, I'm right back there. sun, ocean, sand.... they give me life... they breathe living directly into my soul...

i got skinny.

and got fat again.

also... i think i am gaining a better perspective on what it means to be a friend... what friendship really is and what i want from my friends... i think thats fair....and important

2009 taught me that I am growing.... i always assumed i was a work in progress...but this year showed me a little bit of my progress... a little bit of my self worth

i think i've been devaluing myself as an individual... hopefully in 2010 I will be able to realize my full potential

OH.... in 2009, I read so much. It was wonderful....

What do I want from the world around me in 2010? (i'll get to me in a second)

I want honesty. Full and complete honesty.

I want unapologetic love. There's no reason to hide or be ashamed of love. and I don't mean this in a strictly romantic love type of way.... you know the english language is full of limits and boundaries and restrictions when it comes to love.... but there are all kinds of meanings and definitions... and YOU know when its LOVE. just admit it. CLAIM IT. relish in it. get lost all through it.

I want peace. I don't like to argue. I don't like to be confrontational. Despite what you hear, I like things to be relatively calm. Inside and outside. I want everyday's math end in someone's PEACE!

I want clarity. (don't we all?)... but selfishly I want others to have clarity to provide some insight for me.... that's all...

FOR MYSELF?

a job. a love. a home. a hug. a kiss. a joy. a dream. a hope. a vacation. a savings. a smile.

that's it. I'm keeping it simple this year. too much clouding myself up with nonsense and ignoring the basics have proven troublesome for me in the past. u know how it goes...insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

2009 Shoutout List

my mom - i love her. *muah**

gracieJ - the strongest support i've ever had.

anoa - you are the awesomest. i'm in complete awe of you with every decision you make. I cant wait to be interviewed by your biographer and speak on the wonderfulness that is you. or we can write it together like kwame ture and ekweume thelwell

johnG - you're hilarious. my own private delaware favorite.

femi - you are an amazing woman. i hope that my children will be able to spend time with you and your beautiful spirit. i mean that from the bottom of my heart.

malia & candice - foolios 1&2... thanks for being the friends I needed in the place that i hate. *cheers*

the original ap - i dont know if i can handle you being in seattle after graduation.... but as long as there is a GRILL (and BAR-S HOT LINKS) there is a way!!!

jspulley - for introducing me to my future husband KJ

courtney - thank you sister. thank you.

caura - for being my miltown connection and always ready for a conversation when i need to have one.... can't wait to be auntie (wink wink)

tristan - for being a happy ending (no pun intended) for 2009. thank you.

all my twitter fam.... those that actually make twitter worthwhile from Milwaukee to my fellow BISON to the rest of my east coast fam.... twitter is a lovely outlet to be a part of...

does HE love like SHE loves?

"Man's love is of man's life a thing apart... 'Tis woman's whole existence." - Lord Byron

(the following is an overgeneralization I admit, but so it most questions and debates on philosophies... don't get froggy on this one yall....unless Lord Byron is from Delaware.....)

Despite whatever neo-modernist humanistic philosophy-isms we choose to believe, I believe that there are some inherent differences between males and females. Besides the obvious biological differences, women and men have different rationale and approaches to life which includes the pursuit, receipt and deliverance of love. Lord Byron uses the aforementioned quote to dictate this complex difference in the simplest of terms.

To men, love is extraneous, a variable, yet not the entire equation. It is the icing on the cake of life, the sugar in life's cup of tea. Love is not an integral part of a man's life. It is indeed a thing apart.

On the other hand, women, take every opportunity of their living to define love; how they want to pursue, how they want to give, and how they want to receive. There is nothing separate in a woman's life from love. Living is loving. Love is woman's whole existence.

An argument could be made, I suppose, that would claim that man's insistence on having love as a thing a part as an action of love within itself, thus making the statement false and the claim of gendered differences on love refuted....

Is this love "actioned" difference a defense mechanism.... women give birth to children so are the innately doomed/blessed to be consumed by love in all manners of their life? men do not give birth to children, all they can do is support and provide for children (not that women don't as well) so does that make them unable to have their livelihoods entangled with love?

I think that this isn't just characteristic of heterosexual love relationships either. I think that male to male and female to female relationships may even display the difference more clearly.... I won't delve deeper on that but think about it.....

So is the quote true? Is love a thing apart for the men and the whole existence of women?

still can't forget

i met him two years ago
the finest guy I ever thought would talk to me
athletic
hilarious
sexy
all the things a person (me) could dream of
movie nights
conversations that went for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours
jokes that lasted forever
pure real honest
FUN
bad circumstances
life chances
sad days & bad days
worse days and ugly days
missed connections
broken phones
new numbers
i assumed i would never see him again
a year later...
I get this a random message on myspace...


Subject: Am i dreamin

Body:
Hi, I think of u but do u still think of me? Think nike bootz....

it was him
one random ass year later
i was pissed
yet ecstatic
he was back, he was around
he still thought of me
we reconnected
hung out one night
back to the
pure
honest
fun
then again
he disappeared

its been another year
i don't know where he is
i don't know how he's doing
i still think of him.... often
i wonder if he thinks of me
he knows where to find me
same number since 2003
same MySpace
like teyana taylor
he could always google me baby

if only i knew what it was
if it was me
if it was him
or someone else
or honestly
as was claimed
just life circumstances
missed connections

i fantasize
sometimes
because he made me smile
i talked about him
cuz i found him hilarious
thoughtful
...amazing

i don't know why he stuck out in my mind today
maybe it was the rain
the late night walmart shopping
the 7/11 snack
or just a reminiscence

i miss him

i almost freaked out
because i thought i forgot his name
c a. b
that's him
the most ORDINARY @$$ name in the world
i will never be able to find him
stupid assimilation

hopefully one day i will catch see his bomber jet
...only he would understand

....OK SO THIS IS WHAT I THINK

The last few days, I have been in an extremely good mood.

No particular reason maybe. I can trace it back to watching the "Obama" look a like on Soul Train, or maybe the beautiful weather, I don't know what it is, but my mood has been amazing. However, this good mood has been characterized by endless singing and dancing. I have been into my music incessantly the last few days. Those who know me know that though I am a music lover, I really only listen to rnb and neo soul. I'm not big on hip hop or rap at all but of course I will bump Biggy from the trunk and appreciate a random Souljah Boy tirade as well.
Nevertheless, my playlist has been full of floetry, badu, devaughn, sullivan, robeson, dangelo.... you get the picture. Basically, I have a "in love with BLANK" playlist..... I have been acting like I've been in love all week.... and it feels good. No, I am not in love with anyone. I don't have a current love interest. I can not even think of anyone I would even consider talking to a little bit who is in my life right now.... thats not my point though. I am in love.... I just don't know him yet.... but he's coming.... cuz this week I fell in love with him. It may sound sick and twisted, but I get it... and honestly, on my own blog I guess it really doesn't matter...
Anyway.... the song I have been listening to almost hourly.....well its not really a song....

Floetry, "Fantasize"
I wanna do dumb things.
I'm talking: strolling-in-the-park things. Stealing kisses straddled on park swings in the daylight while the ice cream van sings little melody like...
Twa da da dum...Da da da da dum...
I'm talking some midnight dedications of rare groove tunes,
And all across London
we're using real names too, 'cause we're not fazed by who cool, who a fool.
See, I want to...
everything with you, so...

I Fantasize about you
said everyday
And I want to do just everything.
Said Baby
Said everything
and a I I I...

Now I want to run holdin' hands
See, I know that we can do this, in a field of purple grass sprayed with green and white tulips under a sky washed orange by an everlastin sunset.
And you know what???
I ain't done yet.
See, I want to catch a ride off some crimson- colored stallion.
We can sail off in a boat made of water, straight into horizon
And we could catch a lift on a cloud.
Thats silver lining's really platinum,
But you know what? (whaaaat?!)
I still ain't done yet.
See, I want to- (Wooo-ooooh)
And I was thinking we could-(said whaat baaaaby)
And if you wouldn't mind a little-(Oh yeah-heyy-yeah)
And if you're ready we could always--(Oh oh oh baaaby yeah yeah)
See-
"I Fantasize...(uh huh)
about you, (said you justa...)
everyday (everyday)
and I want to do just everything...
(thing for ya)
Said, Baby
(thing with ya)
said everything.
(everything)
And...I, I, I Fantasize about you,
Said everyday & I want to do just everything. Said, Baby, said everything. "I Fantasize about you, everyday & I want to do just...

So basically.... I'm in love with him....
his thought,
his essences,
his potential.
I'm getting excited.
I don't know why this is on my heart....